What to send when someone dies: sympathy gifts that actually help

You hear the news, you want to do something, and the something you reach for first is flowers. That is not wrong, exactly. But a house in the first week after a death is already full of flowers, and it is full of other things too: relatives on the couch, a kitchen nobody is running, and a hundred small decisions the family does not have the energy for. The best sympathy gift takes one of those decisions away.

This guide is about what to send, when, and what to say. It is written for the person who is afraid of getting it wrong, which is most of us.

Why flowers are often the wrong call

Flowers say the right thing and then ask for a vase, water, a surface to sit on and, a few days later, someone to throw them out. In the week of a funeral that is more work than it sounds. Several arrangements arrive at once, the family runs out of places to put them, and the ones that come to the house rather than the funeral home are often the ones that get forgotten.

Some families also ask for no flowers at all, and that request is usually in the obituary. Read it before you send anything. If the notice says "in lieu of flowers, donations to…", follow it. A donation in the person's name, mentioned in your card, is a gift the family will see in the acknowledgement list and remember.

Flowers are still right in some cases: a close friend who loves them, a family that has specifically said they are welcome, or a funeral home that expects them. Everywhere else, send something that needs nothing.

What a grieving household can actually use

The useful question is not "what would be nice" but "what runs out". In a house full of visitors, that is food and drink, and specifically the kind that can be put on a table and left there.

Think about who is in the house. In the first days there are usually more people than the kitchen can cope with, and many of them are sitting around for hours. Crackers, cheese straws, nuts, dried fruit, biscuits and chocolate work because they feed a room without anyone cooking. Good coffee and tea matter more than you would guess. The family will make thirty pots that week, and they will notice the difference between something decent and whatever was at the back of the cupboard.

Avoid anything that needs a fridge the family may not have room in, anything that needs assembling, and anything precious enough that it would be rude to open it in front of people. A single beautiful object is the wrong gift this week. It can be the right gift later.

If the household keeps a kosher, halal or vegetarian kitchen, or if you are not sure, choose a basket that lists its contents and leans on nuts, fruit, tea and plain baked goods. Nothing in our sympathy baskets contains alcohol, which removes one worry for a mixed group of mourners.

When to send it

There are two good moments, and most people only use the first.

The first is as soon as you hear. A basket that arrives the day after the news, while the house is filling with people, is used immediately. Across most of Mississauga and the GTA we can deliver the same day when you order by noon, and the next day otherwise, which matters here more than for any other occasion. Details are on the delivery page.

The second moment is three or four weeks later. The funeral is over, the relatives have flown home, the casseroles have stopped, and the person is alone in a quiet house for the first time. Almost nobody sends anything then. A small basket with a card that says "still thinking of you" lands harder in week four than a large one in week one. If you can only do one, do the second.

Anniversaries count too: the first birthday without them, the first Christmas, the first anniversary of the death. A card alone is enough. If you want to send something, keep it small; this is the moment our thinking-of-you baskets were made for.

Sending to the funeral home, the house or the office

Flowers go to the funeral home. Food goes to the house. Nothing goes to the office unless the bereaved person is a colleague and the gift is from the team, in which case send it to their home anyway. A sympathy basket opened at a desk in front of coworkers is an unkind way to receive it.

If you do not have a home address, ask a mutual friend rather than the family. They have enough to answer.

Faith and culture: a few things to check

Mourning customs differ, and what is kind in one house is awkward in another. These are prompts to check with someone who knows the family, not rules.

• A Jewish family sitting shiva will usually have food organised by their community; a basket of kosher-suitable snacks or fruit is welcome, flowers are generally not.
• Muslim families may prefer a donation to flowers or gifts, and the mourning gathering is usually within days, so send quickly or wait.
• Hindu and Sikh households often hold a prayer gathering with many guests over several days, and a vegetarian basket for the table is appreciated. Avoid leather and anything with egg or alcohol.
• Many Chinese families receive white flowers and a condolence envelope rather than food, and the colour red is wrong on a card or ribbon.

When in doubt, a plain card and a food basket with its contents listed is the safe gift in nearly every tradition. Our baskets come without ribbon colours chosen for celebration, and the card is printed with whatever you write.

What to write on the card

Short is better. The family will read dozens of messages and remember the ones that sounded like a person.

• "We are so sorry. Thinking of you all this week. Please don't reply."
• "[Name] was kind to me when I was new at the firm. I'll remember that. With sympathy, [you]."
• "Something for the kitchen so nobody has to think about it. We're here whenever you need us."
• Weeks later: "Still thinking of you. No need to answer this, just wanted you to know."

Two things to leave out. Do not explain the death to the person who is living it ("at least they're not suffering"), and do not ask them to do anything, including to call you. "Please don't reply" is the kindest line you can add. If you knew the person, a single memory of them is worth more than any phrase about loss. For more, see what to write in a gift message.

When not to send a gift

If you barely knew the family, a card is the right amount. A gift from someone they cannot place creates a small obligation at a bad time. If the death was sudden or the circumstances are private, send the card and nothing else unless you are close. And if the obituary asks for donations only, respect that even if you would rather send something that arrives at the door.

If the gift is from a business

Employers, clients and suppliers send sympathy gifts too, and the rules shift a little. Keep the company name off the outside of the box; the card can say who it is from. Have one person sign it, not "the team at", and have that person be someone the bereaved actually knows. Food for the house is right. A plant is a reasonable alternative if the family has asked for no flowers, because it does not need to be thrown out. Our corporate gifting guide covers the tone and the paperwork.

Whatever you choose, the point is the same: take a decision away from someone who has none to spare. Start with our sympathy gift baskets, or the quieter thinking-of-you collection for the weeks after.